Trance Formations

Well, a hectic (for many) and stressful (for some) holiday season is still upon us. It’s at times like these that small rifts or tensions can be magnified in family and friend relationships. I just want to offer some thoughts on how we can better manage these tensions and sometimes even turn them to our (as in all of us!) advantage.

I recently had the opportunity to attend a training weekend held by Doug O’Brien… Doug is an internationally known hypnotist and trainer who specialises in Ericksonian hypnosis, and this workshop was based on the advanced language patterns described by Robert Dilts and known commonly as the “Sleight of Mouth” patterns (so-called because sleight of mouth aims at changing belief with a similar skill and dexterity to the magician’s misdirection known as sleight of hand).

It was one of the most well-presented and useful workshops I have ever attended. My interest in these patterns stems from a hat I wear when I am not being a hypnotherapist. I also train people (usually in the healthcare field) in “de-escalation” skills… communication skills that aim at preventing the escalation of aggression into violence. While this is a pretty specialist field, it is also one that I see being of value in everyday communication.

Generally the people that I train work in environments where violence is a potential outcome of a failure to “de-escalate”. However, if we look at all those little communications that take place everyday, communications with our partners and loved ones, with colleagues and peers, with friends… what happens with those minor disagreements and moments of tetchiness that (oh so often) get left unresolved? The intended positive outcome of de-escalation is to return both parties to a state where they can make the most useful choices available to them. Couldn’t this also apply to all those minor communication difficulties that slip by almost unnoticed?

What follows are a few principles I have developed for teaching de-escalation, but which can be generalised to those everyday situations.

1. You are not “right”. If you assume you are “right”, then the other person is wrong. If the other person is “wrong” then you goal is to get them to agree that you are “right”. And now you have a fight on your hands.

There are no facts in an argument. And the more emotional people become the truer this holds. It is far more useful to think about plausible beliefs, which allows room for change on behalf of both parties.

2. Avoid negation… words like “but”. “I know that’s how you see it, BUT…” is just another way of saying you are wrong and I am right (I realise that there are times one might actively choose to use BUT in this way, but I’m talking about changing a habitual communication style here)

3. Try to put yourself in the other person’s position… think about it… whenever you have felt annoyed or angry, you have felt justified in that feeling… is the same not likely to be true for the other person?

4. Validate the other person’s point of view…it’s OK to acknowledge their emotion and their understanding, it show’s an interest in them as a person.

5. Ask questions… get some INFORMATION… first, it helps you build a picture of what is going on for the other person and second, the best way to derail a potential argument is to turn it into a discussion.

This is a far more effective way of gaining both respect and a willing audience for the point of view you are wanting to get across, in my opinion, than getting into fights that no-one can win.

May I take this opportunity to wish you the joys of the season whatever faith or creed you follow, and to wish you prosperity and joy in 2010.